Gym-Boor-Ee

Big box stores apparently aren’t the only place where people abrogate social decorum. After meeting a fine (albeit profusely sweaty) fellow who fell in to category #1 of the following, I was compelled to make a list of the many personalities you will sometimes find at your local gym. Without further ado I present to you:

1) The Prince/Princess of Perspiration – This individual is above cleaning up gym equipment after they use it. There is usually a compelling statistical correlation between how much said person perspires and how unwilling they are to clean up after themselves. The POP thinks their liquid greatness should be bottled and sold at Dior counters around the world. The rest of us must hold back the urge to vomit when we have to use 2 or 3 towels and a gallon of disinfectant spray to wipe down after them.

2) The Shotputter – This person feels a manic urge to throw the equipment after every set. Instead of putting a dumbbell or barbell down in a careful and controlled manner, they cast it aside with enough force to damage both the equipment in question and the floor. Apparently, the only way to show the other gym members that you have worked out to exertion is by making a sonic boom. Thankfully the exercise bikes and elliptical trainers are heavy otherwise they too would likely be tossed around after this moron moved on to their cardio regimen.

3) The Monopolist – This person must do 30 sets without interruption. When you ask after the 14th set (and an hour of waiting) if you can “work in”, this person regards you with such disdain you immediately wonder if you accidentally asked The Monopolist if you could engage in physical discourse with his mother and a circus monkey. Apparently this gronk failed the sharing lessons in kindergarten but still managed to pass the trickiest and only year of his/her academic life.

4) The Gumby – This person exhibits dangerous form while lifting 20-50 pounds more than they should. The Gumby manages body twists that most people couldn’t achieve even when hit by a moving vehicle. You usually only see this member once because their next visit is usually to the hospital. As with #2 on our list, it is best to keep a safe distance away lest a stray weight come your way.

5) The Town Crier – This person can only heave their weights if they utter a bestial and guttural cry first. Everyone else stops their own respective exercises because they think The Town Crier has just seriously hurt him/herself. Anyone within a three mile radius of T.C. must go to an audiologist right after their workout.

6) The Playa – This man (I have yet to meet his female counterpart) is under the misguided impression that all of the females are there for his pleasure. I mean, why else would a female come to the gym in shorts or sweat pants? The Playa cruises the gym in his crushed velvet track suit chatting up and scaring away scores of female patrons.

If you are tired of the antics of some big box shoppers, maybe it's time to hit the gym…