Big Box Belligerence, Part II

Apparently, my initial rundown of the many characters you may be unfortunate enough to meet during a sejour at one of the many big box outlets was incomplete. Since my last post, our family has also managed to meet:

1) The Stall Hoarder – This fine individual sees fit to double or triple-park their car even though its value ranks somewhere between a 1986 Lada and a 1987 Chevy Acadian. Their vehicle usually has stickers saying “Super Coupe” even though said automobile actually has four doors.

2) The Playa – Straight outta Compton, this person sees fit to share the wonderful world of Hip Hop with the rest of his (women tend to have more dignity than this character) fellow shoppers. If you wonder what Spinners were on sale at Canadian Tire last weekend, check out his rims. The Playa would likely have a fear-induced pee stain running down his leg if he were within a 300 metre radius of a true Gangsta. You usually see this person two or three times because he is circling the lot waiting for his other hardcore buddies to get out of the big box store. Since “bad a*s” and “big box” have the same number of letters and both start with “B” the Playa and his entourage’s confusion is understandable.

3) The Magician – You will meet this person at the checkout line. They think they have the talent to sneak in front of you without you noticing. The Magician becomes emboldened in his/her craft when people are too polite to call them on their shenanigans.

4) The General – This person deliberates over whether or not to purchase each of the 100 items in their cart at the actual point of purchase, much to the delight of everyone else in line. Time seems to actually move backwards while this amazing strategist decides whether or not this is the week they will finally spring for the deodorant.

5) The You-Haul – How else can you aptly describe someone who can’t see fit to return a cart to the Cart Return aisle of the parking lot even though IT IS ONLY ONE STALL AWAY from their own car?!?!? A particularly odious member of this clan will even push the cart so that it causes damage to a nearby vehicle. (Mrs. P&UW actually had to stop one of these projectiles while the “pusher” gave her a vacuous stare usually reserved for when we ask our toddler to explain first year calculus)

Motivational Tunes:

Econoline Crush – Home

Front 242 – Skin

Fishbone – Sunless Saturday